il papa's pontifications

Now its time for the weekly dishing out of papal pain:

1. Marvin Harrison - The only equivalent I could think of after this story, is if Elmo robbed the Savings and Loan. You thought he was warm, fuzzy, and nice, but then he surprises you. Marvin Harrison has been a silent team player, on top of being an all star WR for 12 years. Never a bad word with the media, never celebrating or showboating. But now his Belgian gun is involved with a shooting? (Belgians make something besides waffles and Tony Parker?) After a fight at his nightclub, the shooting occured at Marvin Harrison's Car Wash no less (if I was an NFL player, why would I buy a f_cking car wash?).
I hope to hear a conclusion to this case soon, as Im getting tired of it.

2. Roger Clemens apology - What are you sorry for Roger? This guy wants to be forgiven and no longer be on the front page of the paper, yet he admits and offers up nothing in return. Lets re-write the apology, as Roger's publicist should have:

"I want to apologize to everyone for everything I have done. I want your forgiveness, and to be left alone. In return for forgiving me and leaving me alone, I will list my transgressions: I hooked up with a teenager, took HGH, dabbled in steriods, game my wife HGH, hooked up with John Daly's wife, and then lied about it all to you and the government. Ok, we cool now?"

Hooking up with John Daly's wife? Off topic, but man what an upgrade for her. Mindy Mccready is looking slightly ragged nowadays, but Im sure her music career will soon be revived with all the attention "the rocket" is getting her. I could insert a joke here about "Guys do it all the time" but I will pass.

3. PETA - I dont even know where to start with these a$$ clowns. They are uninformed, attention seeking liberals that stand for anti-almost anything involving animals, not something positive for animals (like the Humane Society). After the tragic death of 2nd place finisher Eight Belles in the Kentucky Derby this past Saturday, they are calling for the suspension of the jockey, trainer, and probably anyone who paid a ticket for admission to the Derby. If this would have been a regular weekend race, not televised, would PETA have come out so publicly? Nope. PETA sees publicity in this situation; and not unlike that beauty pageant girl in 7th grade that everyone hated, they come running to the attention as if their life depended on it. PETA attacks horse racing for what the harm it does to horses, yet they ignore the stats: 1.5 horses die for every 1000 raceshorses that compete. This is not dog fighting people. Chill out. Most trainers and jockeys treat their horses very well. Think about it - you run and train most of the day, and then people bring random horses a few times a week to your stable so that you can "stud". Where can I sign up?

The Pope has a new acronym for PETA to help them chill out:

Papal Edicts Towards A$$clowns

Ok that's kind of stupid, but whatever, its a slow Tuesday.

American Idol

Even the Pope needs to modernize things a bit, add a little cultural flair to his world of sports. What better than the beacon of American TV ratings, American Idol. What songs would sports figures sing if they were contestants on Idol?

This week's band: Insane Clown Posse

Yes sirr, your favorite band of the late 90's . . . the INSANE CLOWN POSSE. They may look like the crazy guys that could barely read and were always getting into fights at your high school. Sure they dropped out two weeks before graduation, but thats because they had a sick hot record deal with Infuego Records . . . what an awesome late 90s generation X band.

This week's contestants performing Insane Clown Posse songs: Brady Quinn, Ray Lewis, Roger Clemens, West Virginia Athletic Department, John Daly, and Barry Bonds

And now to the performances . . .



Brady Quinn - "Pass Me By" - A lyrical explosion to phoenetically grasp Brady's feelings during the 2007 NFL Draft.



Ray Lewis - "I Stab People" - Ok, he was acquitted. But it doesn't get old.



Roger Clemens - "Another Love Song" - Another day another gal eh Roger?



WVU Athletic Department - "I Want My Sh*t" - Sang by the whole department to one Rich Rodriguez. Rich Rodriguez's response, "No habla englais".





John Daly - "Down with the Clown" - I just love John Daly, despite appearing to be a clown at times.



Barry Bonds - "Play With Me" - You want a drug filled 43 year old with bad knees, a badder attitude, and a head so big it might explode? Hey Barry - New Era just called - they dont have the machinery to make size 9.25" hats. No team for you.




Even the Pope listens to the I.C.P. Next week's band follows a similar theme . . . House of Pain. Seacrest out.

il papa's pontifications

This week's edition of il papa's pontifications, the Pope's weekly tirade involving the world of sports, discusses the blog-hater Buzz Bissinger, the NFL Draft from this past weekend, and the BCS of college football. Here we go:

1. Buzz Bissinger - WTF? As Im sure many of you blog fans have read on Deadspin, Kissing Suzy Kolber, or Every Day Should be Saturday (EDSBS), Buzz Bizzinger is the ire of the blogging world after his comments on the Bob Costas show last night. Here is a great synopsis of what occurred (from AOL Sports Fanhouse).

I'd say he needs about $100LARGE worth of indulgences to clean up his mess. This guy is getting railed on by the entire internet, so I wont waste your time. There is great stuff about the Buzz situation on the blogs I have linked above. I enjoyed his book "3 Nights in August", but won't ever buy another piece of his again.

2. NFL Draft Coverage - I want to know who is picked, a little about the player, and then what Mel Kiper or Ron Jaworski thinks about the pick. Unfortunately, I got too little of what I wanted and too much of the below during ESPN's NFL Draft coverage this past weekend:

- Todd McShay (McGay), Chris Berman, and Keyshawn Johnson all fighting for words with more seasoned analysts that we want to hear from (Mortensen, Kiper, Jackson, Jaworksi). Too many morons fighting for the microphone, causing the analysis to lock continuity or flow, and become confusing.

- Too little Mel Kiper Jr. Say what you will, this guy is to NFL Scouting media coverage what Bill James is to baseball statistics. Kiper isnt always right, but he brings a wealth of knowledge and contacts to the table. More of him, less of awful suit Keyshawn.

- And the Grand Pontification of ESPN's NFL Draft coverage - Camera crews at every potential draftees house, oftentimes revealing the outcome of a pick before it happens. Teams call a player before they make an official pick. Well, ESPN was filming these players celebrating before the pick was made. Then they would hit up a commercial break, coming back to see the official pick being made of what the viewer already knew. How about just a little suspense for this male soap opera, please?

More NFL draft coverage like this would be appreciated:



3. BCS Playoff Discussion - The BCS committee met the past few days and officially rejected the idea of a playoff. Everyone wants a playoff, and its going to take 20 years to get it. Most in need of Pontificating - the fact that we keep talking on and on about a playoff each year. Here are some agreed upon beliefs, pretty much close to fact:

- A playoff would be wildly entertaining and much better way to crown the national champion
- A playoff could make plenty of money and likely would make much more than the current system
- Scheduling issues about when to play all the playoff games would be minimal; play some during December, the season could end at approximately the same time as it does now

So why no playoff? Simple. More facts:

- The BCS is as financially healthy for all the schools involved as any college bowl system ever
- Very handsome TV contracts are signed and done through 2014. Any change to the formula would call for those to be renegotiated and could be a risk
- Any type of playoff will cause revenue uncertainty for all major conferences

All BCS conferences are guaranteed one $17M paycheck per year, at a minimum. Any type of a playoff would be very difficult to negotiate $$, and could likely cause the $$ to be spread out over more teams (like the NCAA Basketball Tournament revenues, spread over all 350ish Division 1 teams). That means less money guaranteed. Presidents and Athletic directors dont have the balls to take that chance.

I find it interesting that the Pac-10 and Big 10 are against it. Obviously there is some Rose Bowl snobbery there, an appreciation for tradition in spite of better alternatives.

Conversation with Charlie Weis

Last night the Pope had the pleasure of meeting Charlie Weis. I was only allowed to speak with Charlie a moment, but wisdom permeated the conversation on both ends. Here is a quick look at what was said, in this week's Supreme Pontiff's Conversations:

THE POPE: Charlie, the pleasure is all mine. Im glad you have come to this meeting.

WEIS: No problem your highness. I have a lot of repenting to do.

THE POPE: [muttered under his breath] (your goddamn right you do . . .)

WEIS: UH, Excuse me? Did I hear you say something.

THE POPE: Nothing, just have a slight cough (cough cough). Charlie, we are very happy here to speak. What might you be speaking about this evening?

WEIS: I was going to talk about the commitment Notre Dame football has to excellence in character, grades, and on the field play.

THE POPE: 2 outta 3 aint bad - in baseball you'd be the greatest hitter ever at that average

WEIS: The on the field excellence wasn't there last year, but its coming.

THE POPE: I agree Charlie, I agree. San Diego St, Syracuse, Navy, Washingon, Stanford - must have bought a lot of indulgences for that 2008 schedule, Charlie

WEIS: Not sure what that means. I think we are going to be better next year not just because of the schedule, but because our team will be a year older and more experienced, and much bigger.

THE POPE: Experience is overrated. So is size. Especially in your case . . .

WEIS: Whats that supposed to mean!?

THE POPE: Your NFL experience is a bit overrated, dont you think? Thats what I meant.

WEIS: Possibly. I think its a selling point in recruiting.


THE POPE: Thats like saying my experience loving God is a great selling point for me with the ladies.

WEIS: ?!?!

THE POPE: Moving along now. As long as you stay focused, not paying attention to what the fans say, any dumb websites, or blogs, then I think your 2008 season will go well. Maybe much more like your 1st season in South Bend



WEIS: Thanks your eminence.

There you have it. Historic conversation, recorded for you, right here at VaticanSmoke.com.

Vegas Baby, Vegas

The Pope was in the US, so he couldn't not go to Vegas right? During my visit, I roamed the sports books of Caesar's, Mirage, Paris, and MGM, looking for futures. Here are some interesting bets/odds that I found:

Tennessee Titans to win Super Bowl = 25 to 1
Memphis Tigers to win 2009 National Basketball Title = 25 to 1
Notre Dame to win 2009 National Basketball Title = 20 to 1
Indiana to win 2009 BCS National Championship (Football) = 125 to 1
Notre Dame to win 2009 BCS National Championship (Football) = 75 to 1
USC to win 2009 BCS National Championship (Football) = 7 to 2 (3.5 to 1)

A few thoughts:

- When was the last time Notre Dame had a greater chance to win the basketball national championship, than the football one? Not only a greater chance, but three times greater chance.

- Certainly we must take into account the Notre Dame bias. Due to the widespread and large number of Notre Dame fans, oftentimes the lines on Notre Dame bets, especially football, are slanted a bit more against Notre Dame (paying less) due to the large number of bettors. If Notre Dame is favored by 7 points in reality, the number of bettors on ND might move the line to 8 or 9 so that the casino can even out the betting. Case in point: the 75 to 1 odds on the National Football Championship have moved down to there from 100 to 1 at the start of betting.

- The Memphis Tigers basketball odds just bring up more pain and coulda/woulda/shoulda from this past season. The Tigers will remain in the picture, although never guaranteed to have a shot at the title like they did in 2008. Tough to read those odds, especially given that they were behind Notre Dame and other teams that clearly they can be better than.

- The "Field" bet for the National Football championship was 18 to 1. Thats a dumb bet though, because every decent BCS team is not considered to be "in the field". A team like Vanderbilt or Ole Miss were examples of teams that would be in the field, and I dont think those odds pay enough despite the 50 or so teams that you would have included.

- I think the Titans winning the Super Bowl is more doable than 25 to 1 personally. Certainly they are not a top 3 team in their conference, but I think that a playoff team with that good of a defense definitely has a reasonable shot at improving for a title shot. I would be more shocked if Notre Dame won the Basketball championship honestly. The defense could be improved through the draft, as well as some potential development in the offense with the new and returned Mike Heimerdinger returning as Offensive Coordinator, he of Steve McNair's MVP season offensive coordinating fame.

- USC, I think, has the best shot to win next year. Vegas agrees, with the lowest odds by far being the 7/2 bet on the Trojans to win the title. The SEC is too tough to consider Georgia, Florida, or a rebuilding LSU, and the Trojans have proved to be the best team outside of the SEC in many's mind each year. USC last year, possibly could have beaten LSU at season's end, and they would have been in the title game if not for 5 major injuries in the middle of the season that cost them 2 close losses (Stanford & @ Oregon). 7/2 odds is not worth the bet though, as Vegas knows better than anyone who the best chance is.

Odds of the Pope returning to Vegas = 1/1 Zillion